I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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