haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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