I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
