Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
