"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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