Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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