i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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