She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
