What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
