Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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