apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
