I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She's the barista slut.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
