Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
