you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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