So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
