I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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