Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I came so hard my ears popped.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
