Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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