Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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