So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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