I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you never un-have a 4some
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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