You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
