I want to stick my p in your. b.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
