my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
