I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
