Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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