i just wanna soil my oats bro
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
