you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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