I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
