If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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