i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
