i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
