Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
