got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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