I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
