I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
