can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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