He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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