I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
