I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
