The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
