mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you had me at cake vodka
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
