Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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