Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
