alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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