he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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