Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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