It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
