No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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