Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
