listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
