I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
