If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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