My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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