That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Only a mothe r could love this liver
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
