I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder