The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game