loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
