i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
