my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
