If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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